A Note to a Friend

Dear Friend,

I deliberated a while on how I should respond. A 'life really sucks, doesn't it?' wouldn't really cheer *me* up, a 'my life is lovely' is fairly accurate though not the whole truth and not exactly helpful, and you might want to whack me over the head if I went for the annoying 'you can do it, rah, rah, rah' cheerleader routine. I decided to go with an (endless) conversational tone. The downside is that you won't be able to get word in edgewise (which kinda defeats the 'conversation'), but the upside is that you can quit reading at anytime without hurting my feelings. Grin.

It isn't silly at all, wondering how people maintain a positive outlook in this world. I can completely relate to the discouraged and beat-down feeling. I think we're just experiencing it from completely different angles. Which makes my life look good to you and yours to me. Wry grin.

My blessings: 1. I have a good marriage. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination , but GOOD. And I know how lucky I am. Russ is my polar opposite, which is exasperating at times, but we also create a nice balance together. 2. I have an *amazing* family. My parents live two miles down the road, my sisters (best friends) just 15 minutes away. Even my extended family is amazing. I am just beginning to realize the magnitude of that blessing. 3. I also don't have any adolescents (yet).

My struggles: 1. I am an emotional person and wish I could be more logical/matter-of-fact/suck-it-up. My mom would tell you that she had no idea what to do with me as a child. The sky was always falling. I was shy (but talkative... she got the short end of the stick on that one) and self-conscious. I wish I had confidence and verve. I wish I were witty/humorous. I want to be audacious. 2. I'm low on energy and self-discipline. Always have been. I could sleep 10 hours a night. I *envy* people who can make it on 5. I *envy* people with self-motivation. I am amazed by the amount of stuff some people accomplish. Ahem. 3. I love food + I can't resist food (we aren't talking veggies, here) + I'm always hungry + I'm terrible about exercising = Less energy and other physical problems (headaches...) and being frustrated with myself. Let's see, are we on #4? I'm not adventurous/independent/capable. I wholeheartedly admire women who can travel and do big things. I want to go places with the boys without being anxious or overwhelmed. I admire my adventurous, no-fear sister. She just makes it up as she goes along. 5. I want life to be painless and perfect. Which is just setting myself up for failure.

I know that having adolescents will be tough. Tougher than I imagine. But I don't really want to go there. Right now, I struggle with the physical exhaustion that comes from daily life with three very rambunctious little boys that leaves me at the end of the day feeling like I've been wrestling with an aligator for hours. I grew up with two sisters and a quiet dad. I thought I had parenting all figured out before my first son came along. Now, many days, I feel like I just don't have what it takes to raise well-behaved boys. Honestly, I wonder constantly what the balance is between giving boys independence and letting them be boys and expectations for volume/activity/attitude. Where do I find that happy in-between place with laid-back un-parenting on one side and uptight control-freak on the other side? Add to that the sleep-deprivation. I have no idea why God gave 3 bad sleepers to a woman who needs 10 hours a night. Surely they will sleep well (or take care of themselves in the middle of the night) in a few years, right?!

So, the depression story.... September was the month from hell. It started out with a weird pain in my chest/back/arm and went downhill from there. I have always had anxiety over health stuff. My 'big fear' is that I will get really sick. Now that I have little boys, that fear is magnified. How can I take care of them if I don't feel well? What will happen to them if I die? I looked around and could see all the blessing in my life. But everywhere else, I saw hurting people. I was always sure that my 40s would be my best decade, but suddenly I couldn't find someone in their 40s without health problems. *Everywhere* I turned, I heard stories of people whose children were sick or in trouble. I couldn't find a single person whose life I would want to live. Basically, I wondered how long it would take for the ball to drop in my life. How long can one go without anything in their beautiful life being taken away? I have no idea which came first, but I had tremendous anxiety over how I was feeling physically. I went to the Dr. and he did a bunch of tests, but also suggested depression. He said that all of my physical symptoms happened to be symptoms of depression/anxiety/OCD. Terrific.

How did I make it out of that spiral? Medication. It changed my life. (And a chiropractor for some of the back/arm pain.) By the end of October I was a new person. We went on the most amazing family vacation, and then I reveled in the holiday season. Okay, I also had to start ignoring how I felt physically rather than paying attention to every little ache and pain. I (at least for right now) have to leave/change the channel/avoid stories about hurting people. I don't read stories/blogs about babies/children in the hospital. I leave the room when my dh is watching House on TV. I don't watch the news. That is tough for me, because it makes me feel guilty, but it is just where I am right now. I am hopeful that eventually I can find a balance and be a sympathetic, concerned person while maintaining sanity.

I am a very, very visual person. Blogging and photography have become a very valuable therapy for me. I am able to block out the mess, and focus (mentally, emotionally, and visually--through my camera lens) on what is beautiful and uplifting in my life. It is like being in labor and I use my blog as my focal point. Imagine my youngest on the kitchen counter, naked of course (we're working on potty training), pouring himself a glass of orange juice. About 3 ounces make it into the cup. My oldest is using the couch as a gymnastics apparatus and singing (he doesn't have a mute button). My middle child is taking something apart to see how it works. I'm holed up in the disasterous school room in front of my computer. Ah, look at that adorable picture of a little boy holding a lamb. Hee-hee-hooooooooo. Hee-hee-hooooooooo.

Unfortunately, my blog probably gives many people the idea that I am calm, cool, collected, and content. Grin.

I'm still battling the feeling that *I* am the thing wrong with my life. I don't have anyone to blame but myself when my day goes badly. (See list of struggles above.)

Oh, I don't know if you saw the YouTube video on my blog a while back, but I was really struck by The Beckoning of Lovely. It was real, it was uplifting, it was empowering. I've used it as my new focal point. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt like, suddenly, I had a mission. And it wasn't about being perfect, or witty, or adventurous, or thin and beautiful, or wealthy. There are so many things, little things, that *anyone* can do to make life lovely, for themselves and others. I felt a lot of angst slip away. Now I'm the one who feels silly, typing that out. But there you have it. Smile.

Yes, there are a million things on my 'list' of things to do to improve myself and my life. Be consistent with Bible reading/devotions/spending time with God. Be diligent in daily tasks. Don't yell at the boys. Eat well. Exercise. Stop drinking Dr. Pepper. Be content with the person God made me. And I'm working on it, but those things are *hard* for me, and come very slowly. I'm constantly falling down, picking myself up, and starting all over again. Luckily His mercies are new every morning.

I have no idea if anything I wrote is remotely helpful, but I felt led to share it.