[Yesterday] was house-cleaning and organizing day. Early this afternoon (after my dear April and I had spent the morning working on the mess), I had the brilliant idea of photographing my ‘real’ space. You know, the clean and organized but lived-in version of my ‘real’ space. It turned out to be a much more emotional process than I expected from start to finish. Maybe it is all the carbs talking (one more reason to feel frustrated with myself today), but
golly, this is ridiculous.
It started with me being frustrated with my camera (I’m using my old one because my new one needs to be fixed like everything else around here). Frustrated with my non-existent technical skills. Frustrated that I couldn’t get the pictures the way I thought they should look.
I wanted to share an unedited version (which it wouldn’t have been anyway because my house never looks this clean), and I
couldn’t do it. Pride? Denial? Aesthetic sensibility? Artistic license? A little bit of everything, I suppose. Every time I looked through the viewfinder, I’d see something that needed fixed, moved, or…edited. So I fussed. And it still didn’t look ‘good enough’ to me.
Then I went through the photos. More frustration.
Bleh. I want to point out everything that doesn’t look good to me—so you know that I
know it doesn’t look good, of course.
I used to have this idea that things
improve over time.
Why is that? Sort of that ‘moving up in the world’ dream. I had this idea that I would do all these projects around the house and the yard through the years and it would look better and better. Instead, I see all the dings and dents. The fireplace mantle I haven’t changed since
Christmas. The boys’ room, which is just
abused. The design ideas I’ve failed to implement (that feel pointless, quite honestly). The stuff we’ve accumulated. Every wall that needs to be repainted. And reality sets in. It feels as if things (house, camera, cars, body…) are crumbling around me and I don’t have the energy or will or ability to stop them.
This is a season. Yep. But it is a
really long season. What are things going to look like in five years?! I don’t want to speed my way through this season so that I can have a house without dents and dings—without a family here to enjoy it.
How is it that I don’t have a creative bone left in my body?
And I feel like a failure for only seeing the dents and dings.
I’m blessed. I should be cheerful. Grateful. Excited for each new day. But half of me is lazy and the rest of me is very hard on that first half. How do I find a balance between pushing myself to get my rear-end in gear and giving myself grace? I don’t know. Definitely not there, yet.
So I’ll spare you the whiny version of the abridged tour (now that I’ve already done more than enough whining) and just give details about a few things as they come up.
The library/office/”school room” is the cleanest it has been in a very, very, very long time. This is where my computer lives and where most of the school books and supplies are kept. (I’ll post pictures of the learning studio in the next week or two.)
I keep my purse, diaper bag, and library bag on the big chair. It’s just handy. The green tote is for our CC stuff (picnic blanket, snack/lunch bags, and whatnot).
The green bin holds our books and folders for CC (mostly Essentials stuff):
And now the view from the front door into the living room and the “school room” beyond (the bin is full of every miscellaneous “toy” I find lying about):
Also from the front door:
From the “school room” doors:
From the hallway:
From the kitchen doorway:
Into the kitchen from the living room:
I was so tired of the counter being
covered with heaps of papers and
stuff, so I bought cheap shoe racks and bins at Target and put them under the bar area (which we don’t use). The bins are full of craft stuff, office supplies, etc. They have made a huge difference. Much of those things are used at the counter or at the kitchen table in the nook, so it is nice to have them easily accessible but easily sorted and put away. (I still have one bin on the counter that I need to sort through.)
And the boys’ room. I was having a miserable time getting them to keep it “clean” due to both the lack of space and their inability to, well, clean and organize. I finally gave them two large bins (one for mostly Playmobil and Schleich toys and one for costumes and nerf stuff) and then they each have a bin to store anything else they want to keep (papers, souvenirs, trash, VBS crafts, toys…). Everything else has been put away in the attic (other than the miscellaneous bin in the living room which needs to be sorted and some toys for Lola upstairs). You might notice that there is still NO SPACE in their room. (And it is still well nigh impossible for them to keep it clean.)
Sigh.
The end.
P.S. I wrote this post last night, and then my internet quit so I just went to bed (
take that, to-do list!). I’m feeling a little better today, though I’m glad I lowered my expectations drastically since I’m not completely ready to start school. That, and the boys got in trouble when they were outside on break, and they are now grounded for the rest of their life.
